Bedtime Story…

Are you sitting comfortably? Sure? Then I’ll begin...

Once upon a time, in a magical land on the other side of the lake lived a beautiful girl called X. She had long black hair, and skin as pale as the snow on the top of the misty mountains of the moon.

Her mother was very proud of her, and each year on her birthday bought her a silver piercing ring and a new hole. On her 22^nd birthday her mother bought her a beautiful black dress made from raven’s feather silk and dragon bone (which is as black as the bottom of a cave, at night, in deep space, with your eyes closed).

Now the mother was proud of her daughter and was continually bragging to her friends that her daughter was harder than everyone else. "My daughter cleared the pit at Ministry!" she would say or, "My daughter drank 19 pints of anaconda snakebite last night" or even "My daughter is so hard, she can frighten straw into silver!"

Now this last story caught the attention of the dark prince, ruler of the land, and all round psycho. "I could do with some extra silver!" he said, and immediately dispatched his black armoured skeleton knights to capture X and lock her in the high tower on demons crag (where the internet node was).

"Frighten this straw into silver, and I will buy you a kebab!", he said, "fail, and I will dye your hair brown and give you a perm and set!" X sat alone in her cell and wept, for although she was pretty scary, she could only make the straw run away into the corner and hide.

Just before dawn, she looked up and saw a little man. "Hello X", said the little man, "Would you give me one of your piercing rings if I helped you?" "Yes", said X and handed the little man a ring of silver. The little man went to work and in a moment the straw had been so frightened that it turned into silver. When she looked around to thank him, the little man had disappeared.

The Prince was delighted and said "Here’s a kebab! If you can turn the rest of my straw into silver tonight, I will marry you and buy you a motorbike!"

X was worried, but just before dawn the next day the little man appeared again. "If I turn all this straw into silver, will you give me what ever I ask for?"

"Yes" said X and in a flash all the straw was silver. "Give me your black dress!", said the little man "No!" said X, it’s mine, it’s the only dress like it in the world "Ok!", said the little man, "if you can guess my name then you can keep the dress, but if, in three nights time, you do not guess my name then I will turn the prince into silver and eat your brain!"

In the morning, X told the prince the whole story, but as it was a fairy story he immediately fell in love with her and set out to find all the names in the land.

That night X asked the little man "Is your name Rumplestiltskin?" "No!",

said the little man

"Is it Keebo? (sic)"

"No!"

"Is it Jack, John, Joe, Flob, Brian, Nib, Astaroth..." she tried again and again, but when the sun came up the man disappeared.

The next night was the same, and X began to despair as she loved the prince and he loved her, and it wouldn’t be much of a relationship if he was made of silver and her brains were on a plate.

On the third and final night she redoubled her efforts, but his answer was always "No!".

Just before sun came up, the door flew open and in came the prince. He whispered something in X’s ear and she smiled. "Is your name... might it possibly be.... could it be.... Vample stat?" "Aaaargh!", shouted the little man, and stomped off into the sunrise complaining about a typo on his birth certificate.

And X and the Dark Prince lived happily ever after and went clubbing most weekends.

The end.

/\../\

Sexbat